Teaching an Old Dog New Tricks   3/12/2010
I still have so much to learn.

Best Things in Life? Not Free   3/9/2010
No, they're often two cents an ounce.

Misunderstood With a Bad Reputation: Jersey Vultures are Marvelous Creatures   3/5/2010
Yeah, it's that time of year again. East Coast Vulture Festival set for March 6 in Wenonah Also found on http://www.newjerseynewsroom.com/science-updates/misunderstood-with-a-bad-reputation-jersey-vultures-are-marvelous-creatures

Lesser Known Olympian Events   3/3/2010
"Olympian" events take place all year long if you just look for them.

Is It Summer Yet?   2/26/2010
Reaching for some good out of yet more shoveling.

A Wonder of the Modern Age   2/23/2010
What will they think of next?

Media: We Get the Message   2/17/2010
Old test patterns used to speak volumes.

We've Got That Fever   2/13/2010
Welcome to the true definition of cabin fever.

Snowcialism Part III   2/10/2010
Third in a continuing series. Unfortunately.

An Abominable Abomination   2/6/2010
About 2:30 PM Saturday February 6: Latest update from your Senior Indoor Snowstorm Correspondent.

The Mild and the Mundane   1/29/2010
I need these guys to go back to making me laugh.

Life As We Know It   1/26/2010
Truly life in the fast lane.

One Stop Automotive Needs   1/22/2010
The price of oil isn't the only issue with driving these days.

Guys: Making It Happen   1/18/2010
Seen on a South Jersey street: guys in action.

Advancing the Geezability Factor   1/15/2010
Life on the wrong side of aging.

Workers caught in a downward spiral   1/12/2010
The reality of doing business in New Jersey can quite often be a sad tale. Article also available at www.newjerseynewsroom.com. Try them!

Coffee Overachievers Unite   1/10/2010
The studies about coffee drinking go on and on. So does my drinking of coffee.

The Next Big Thing   1/6/2010
There is unlimited potential to glom onto the wallets of the trendy members of today's society.

Made to Be Broken   1/1/2010
Are your New Year's resolutions broken yet? Mine are.

Other New Years Eve Droppings   12/30/2009
And they're not only found in New York.

Going Out of Business Holiday Sale! Now!   12/29/2009
Holidays are a time to become reflective. That doesn't necessarily help matters...

Christmas 2009: Seasons Cleanings   12/24/2009
It was a beautiful winter day at the North Pole toy factory. It was 75 degrees in December due to global warming, and winds were E/NE at 5 to 10 MPH.

A Christmas Poem By Dave Barry   12/24/2009
A Christmas poem from Mr. Dave Barry. It's old, but still funny.

Christmas Traditions for the Rest of Us   12/23/2009
I'd like a few things under the tree this year. Just one year, please?

The War on Santa Continues   12/22/2009
The holiday season in South Jersey is like nowhere else.

Random Thoughts During a Snowstorm   12/21/2009
I repeat, where is Yukon Cornelius and that giant Bumble when you really need him?

Controversial Christmas Display, Jesus Versus Santa   12/19/2009
But is it art? We report, you decide.

Arizona Teacher on Leave After Taking Choral Students to Hooters   12/18/2009
Kids! Field trip!

Citigroup to Suspend Foreclosures for 30 Days   12/17/2009
This is a good start.

RSPCA Investigates Cruelty Charges   12/16/2009
PETA needs to hear about this.

Drunk Santa Scares Kids While Looking For His Reindeer   12/15/2009
At least the 9-year olds of this world still believe.

Boynton Beach Police Arrest "Merry Christmas"   12/14/2009
Another casualty in the war on Christmas.

Kings Paying Way Home for Maine Troops   12/12/2009
The man knows horror and bad whammies.

2009 March of the Santas   12/11/2009
You’d better watch out: SantaCon has returned.

Coffee, Exercise Fight Prostate Cancer   12/10/2009
The latest reports on coffee. Until further notice. Studies show improved survival among men who partake regularly. Would regularly be at least three pots a day?

Our Childrens is Learning   12/9/2009
A new stupid annual tradition: A boy gets his tongue stuck to a metal pole in Idaho.

Santa Injured In Mysterious North Pole Sleigh Accident   12/8/2009
And as always, you'd better watch out.

Stare at Boobs for Longer Life: Study   12/7/2009
Guys are happy to contribute to the study, but no, that is not a chin up bar.

'Elf' Jailed Over Dynamite Hoax on Ga. Mall Santa   12/5/2009
Now we're seeing infighting in the ranks in the war on Christmas.

Christmas Tree Smashes Car   12/4/2009
The war on Christmas is escalating. They're striking back.

Comedy Central Scoops Network News on Climate-Gate Scandal   12/3/2009
ABC didn't cover it. CBS didn't either. And NBC apparently wouldn't go near it.

Christmas is Coming   12/2/2009
Try this product that’s on sale via Amazon.com for your friends. Or don't.

Santa Update   12/1/2009
He knows if you've been bad or good. Just how bad have you been?

250,000 Study Tells Us Bowling is Dangerous   11/30/2009
Why should bowlers want to see what they're aiming at?

Is Their Students Learning?   11/28/2009
Meet the "guerilla knitters."

Top Ten Signs You've Eaten Too Much On Thanksgiving   11/27/2009
Courtesy of Dave Letterman and the Late Show:

Hold the Stuffing -- and the Jokes: Obama Pardons Turkey   11/26/2009
Courage is going to Disneyland for Thanksgiving.

Welcome to Butterball University   11/25/2009
The Butterball hot line is up and running again this year.

Mass. Woman Seeks Funds for Turkey's Eye Surgery   11/24/2009
Jerry has cataracts.

Even Better Than Turducken   11/23/2009
We report, you decide on your favorite hangover cure.

Could Chicken Feathers Be The Salvation Of Hydrogen?   11/21/2009
We report, you decide. Cluck. Written by Christopher DeMorro.

Giant Chicken Crashes City Council Meeting   11/20/2009
All sides need to be represented in this kind of debate.

'Unfriend' Chosen as Oxford Dictionary's 2009 Word of the Year   11/18/2009
Keep your unfriends close, and your frenemies closer.

Jersey Demands a Recount   11/18/2009
Florida Named Strangest State; NYC & Lincoln, Nebraska Named Strangest Cities

Beware, Thaksgiving is Coming   11/17/2009
A turkey on the NJ Turnpike causes havoc, has evaded capture.

Christmas Gift Ideas: Part I   11/17/2009
It's right around the corner, and there are plenty of good gift ideas out there. This is not one of them.

Pet Groomer's Mobile Service Thrives   11/16/2009
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I thought everyone was poor these days.

Granted, the Pages Are Shrinking   11/14/2009
All new adventures! The publishing industry is in a freefall, but comic books are doing fine. You may not recognize them, however.

9 Muppets Kicked Off Sesame Street   11/13/2009
With 40 years of Sesame Street now in the books, we remember those we lost along the way.

Three More Scientists Quit Over Nutt Sacking   11/11/2009
Feel free to fill in your own jokes.

Placenta Teddy Bear Repulses Many   11/11/2009
Proud parents show their pride in different ways.

The 10 Most Egocentric Cartoon Characters   11/10/2009
Cartoon characters are meant to be fun, entertaining and sometimes teach us how not to act. These characters have an ego on them the size of a freight train and they are not the least bit ashamed. Get ready to relive some childhood fun with some of the most egotistical cartoon characters of all time.

But Is It Art?   11/9/2009
A NZ lawmaker has been sculpted in cow manure.

The Weirdest People in the World?   11/7/2009
A new proposal wants to know who they are.

Who Won?   11/6/2009
A drunk man has challenged a lamppost to a fight.

Brazilian Man Shows Up Alive at His Own Funeral   11/5/2009
Some people are always the last to know.

Man Says He's 'Allergic' to His Wife   11/4/2009
Hey, a guy can take a hint. Or not.

Many in U.S. Want Texting at the Wheel to Be Illegal   11/3/2009
Only 3 percent of Americans polled are idiots?

Mystery Pumpkin Carver Haunts Neighborhood   11/2/2009
Halloween crime waves are often different.

Dear Sarah: Keep Up the Great Writing!   11/1/2009
Written by Carl Hiaasen. It COULD be accurate.

Here We Go Again. The Halloween Controversy   10/31/2009
These people never take a holiday.

Top 11 Odd Tax Deductions   10/30/2009
The holidays are coming faster than we think. Remember what follows them?

A Caffeine Pioneer is in Trouble   10/29/2009
Fizzling Jolt Cola may close operations.

Hey, It Can Happen to Anybody   10/28/2009
A man dressed in a cow suit was charged with driving while intoxicated Sunday after driving his car into the Niagara River.

Got Perfect Credit? You Could Be Charged For It!   10/27/2009
Damned if you do...

On Top of the Issues   10/26/2009
The (AMI) Institute is trying to make mustaches trendy.

NJ Phasing Out Traffic Circles, Introduces Concave Polygons   10/24/2009
No one will notice the difference.

DWI - At the Wheel of La-Z-Boy   10/23/2009
Man gets six months, fine; "decked out" chair he crashed will be auctioned.

It Can Still Happen   10/22/2009
The Balloon Boy is trapped in a backyard mine shaft this week.

William Jefferson Maxwell II, Perhaps ?   10/21/2009
Names increasingly reflect a dogs' integration into the family.

It Had to Happen Some Day   10/20/2009
Christmas isn't that far away, and Dad wants this.

A New Jersey Entrepreneur   10/19/2009
A Republican N.J. Assembly candidate hosts sex-toy parties.

Berlin Brothel Offers Discounts to Bike-Riding Customers   10/17/2009
The economy is affecting EVERYONE.

Here's a Revolutionary Idea   10/16/2009
The Balloon Boy story was just another cable news mess.

Gothenburg Woman Injured in Surprise Elk Attack   10/15/2009
The woods of Sweden swarm with terror.

Scammonden Farmer Fined For Keeping Cows in the Dark   10/14/2009
We hear too many of these stories.

Family Outings Ain't What They Used to Be   10/13/2009
In a first, Crown Hill Cemetery invited families to come out and play.

Olympic Events Update   10/12/2009
A Maine couple has dominated North America.

Follow Us? Yeah, That's the Ticket   10/10/2009
A couple has left a lovely message in big letters for neighbors they had feuded with over the years.

That Old Story Again?   10/9/2009
The story of one gay man, two lesbians, a three-legged cat and a poisoned curry plot.

From The Borowitz Report   10/8/2009
NBC pressures Jay Leno to have an affair.

Because You Need to Know Dept.   10/7/2009
Why Does Bottled Water Have an Expiration Date?

Man Shoots Neighbor Over Leaves in Randolph   10/6/2009
Even when playing with the kids?

The 2009 Ig Nobel Prize Winners   10/5/2009
From the October 1 ceremonies.

Story For a Slow News Day   10/4/2009
An obese skunk is put on a vegetarian diet to battle bacon addiction. What about the many two legged bacon addicts?

Mule Deer Tangles With Tree Decoration   10/2/2009
This is what happens when people push the season.

Grandmother Fights Bear With Pillow   10/2/2009
Stephen Colbert has tried to warn people.

The Twilight Zone Comes to Calgary   10/1/2009
A research team aims to find the source of an annoying buzz plaguing the neighborhood.

Tweeting Ugandan Gorillas Make Friends Online   9/30/2009
This tweeting business has gone too far.

Swedish Parents Emerge Victorious in Bid to Name Son 'Q'   9/30/2009
His big sister is named Y. Sometimes.

'Tree Fairy' Plants Trees On Unsuspecting Neighbors' Lawns   9/26/2009
Meet a man on a mission: the Tree Fairy.

Wild Turkeys Terrorize Jersey Neighborhood   9/25/2009
No one knows.

Crime Wave in Pennsylvania   9/25/2009
A Carlisle man has been cited for harassment in a toothpick incident.

Fluffernutter The State Sandwich?   9/24/2009
Massachuseets is on top of the issues.

An Opposing Point of View to Going Green   9/23/2009
Hummer owners are claiming moral high ground to excuse their overconsumption.

Another Holiday   9/22/2009
The key words: show us how much you care.

It’s the Stupidity, Stupid   9/21/2009
It's still being researched heavily in American society today. Usually by texting.

Kanye West Bursts Onto Floor Of Senate   9/19/2009
Well, it could have been true.

It's What's For Dinner   9/18/2009
Meat-flavoured chocolate might not be everyone's idea of delicious, but a Kiwi chocolatier claims her new salami-tinged treats are just that.

More Than 700 Ticketed in N.J. Crosswalk Sting   9/17/2009
Thankfully all Jersey's highways are safe from idiots now.

Science Birdsong Studies Lead To a Revolution In Biology   9/16/2009
There is hope of recovering from the 1970s.

It's Not a Lie If YOU Believe It   9/15/2009
Men lie six times a day and twice as often as women, a study finds.

Another Hollywood Story   9/14/2009
A grizzly bear is getting swimming lessons in a Montana pool.

Stupid Criminal Suspects   9/12/2009
It's not unusual for fleeing suspects to try to dispose of evidence as they're being pursued by police.

Unusual Tax Laws   9/11/2009
Since this country came into existence, laws have come and gone, sometimes addressing very specific circumstances which no longer apply. Today, these outdated laws may seem just plain odd to us but at some point they were very important.

He Also Has Math and Hygiene Problems   9/10/2009
Man steals $8 flea and tick drops for drug money.

Authors Line Up to Support Google Book Settlement   9/9/2009
Important words from the Author's Guild.

Sorry is Good Enough for Us   9/8/2009
Pa. man fires cannon, hits his neighbor's house.

USA! USA!   9/8/2009
A Wisconsin dad, son excel at the fine art of cricket-spitting.

Breaking News: This Just In   9/7/2009
We now have proof that women's chests really are a man's 'first fixation.'

Aussie’s Monkey Business Lands Him in a Jail Cell   9/5/2009
Police angered onlookers in Perth, Australia, when they arrested a monkey that was entertaining a small crowd with a dancing act and posing for photographs.

Now That All the Other Problems Have Been Taken Care of Down Under   9/4/2009
A dog has been issued a parking ticket.

New Jersey Needs a New Governor Soon   9/4/2009
Japan's first lady: 'Venus is a beautiful place.'

The Middle East in South Jersey   9/2/2009
My overview of the Bardouni restaurant in Runnemede.

New Jersey: Our Students is Learning Goodly   9/2/2009
New Jersey teacher accused of selling grades for $1,400.

The True Test   9/1/2009
What your underwear says about the economy.

Talk is Cheap   8/31/2009
My first Talk is Cheap column for Pikes Save Plus.

Junior Will Love to Play With Him   8/29/2009
You want flies with that?

Signs of the Times   8/28/2009
Three men were arrested in a robbery that netted $0.75.

Why Some Animals Eat Their Young   8/27/2009
Two adult children are suing their biological mother for intentional and negligent infliction of emotional distress that they say occurred over a period of more than 14 years.

Your Stimulus Money at Work   8/26/2009
Our students is definitely learning. Didn't think that's what stimulus meant.

From the "People are Idiots" Files   8/25/2009
A disagreement about shoe tying leads to fight, slashing.

Hungry? Low on Funds?   8/24/2009
It's tree bark eating for beginners.

Elmo No Like New York   8/23/2009
A surly man dressed as 'Sesame Street' character Elmo is hassling Times Square tourists.

The All-Pizza Diet: The American Paradox?   8/22/2009
Has there ever been any question? Well, sure, but...

Psycho Donuts Update   8/21/2009
Psycho Donuts owner is making changes in an effort to calm controversy.

Favre Announces Retirement   8/21/2009
Wait for it.

Can Your Flip-Flops Kill You?   8/19/2009
Enjoy the remainder of your summer.

From the "Because You Need to Know" Files   8/19/2009
Zombie song lyrics.

Terrorist Threats They Often Overlook   8/18/2009
"Lemon-head aliens 'tried to abduct us".

Education Update: Is Their Children Learning?   8/17/2009
Trying to keep up with UK kids in education is brutal.

Keeping Up with the Arts   8/15/2009
Five the elephant has learned to play the harmonica.

Baldness Affects More of Us Than We Realize   8/14/2009
Featherless Ralph the penguin back in the swim of things after getting a new wetsuit

Sex Lags Behind Bathroom Visits in Popularity: Dutch Survey   8/14/2009
Some things wait for no one.

37-Inch Flat Screen TV For $100 is Really an Oven Door   8/12/2009
But the door would be more useful.

This Just In: Breaking News   8/12/2009
Men are not choosy in one-night stands.

Viagra Ice Cream to Go on Sale at Selfridges   8/11/2009
Kind of redefinees "pop-up" boutique.

Win Your Money Back?   8/10/2009
Feel like going all-in with these guys again?

Wrong, But Not Entirely Hard to Understand   8/8/2009
Road rage? A motorist has been charged with throwing rocks at cars.

Tulare Puts Squeeze on Girl's Lemonade Stand   8/7/2009
Eight-year-old Daniela Earnest has made lemonade out of lemons in more ways than one this week.

Cost of Parenthood   8/6/2009
The U.S. Department of Agriculture, which is apparently concerned with more than raising crops, has announced that the estimated cost of raising a child born in 2008 from birth to age 18 is $221,190.

Now Chavez Has Gone Too Far   8/5/2009
The Venezuelan government has seized temporary control of the processing plants of two of the country's biggest coffee companies.

'Psycho Donuts' Divide Mental Health Community   8/5/2009
Health care's latest major issue: psycho donuts.

Crime Runs Rampant in the United Kingdom   8/4/2009
PCSO has given a boy, 9,a 'blue warning ticket' for climbing a tree while on holiday.

Big Words Make You Seem Stupider   8/3/2009
Uhhh....huh?

Why Everything Sucks: A Simple Explanation   8/1/2009
An opinion from the self-proclaimed Scottish douchebag, Craig Ferguson.

Abu Dhabi Camel Beauty Contest   7/31/2009
Apparently all the jokes were true.

Out On a Limb: Arm-Swinging Riddle is Answered   7/29/2009
Biomedical researchers on Wednesday said they could explain why we swing our arms when we walk, a practice that has long piqued scientific curiosity.

Column Rated PG (for Puppy Games) Dept.   7/29/2009
A new sex doll for dogs has hit the market.

New Jersey is Not Like Your City   7/28/2009
Boonton Twp. cops have maced a groundhog, responded to a brazen bear.

Killer Chipmunks Invade Kitchens   7/27/2009
Britain's killer chipmunk invasion has sparked a web frenzy — for rodent recipes.

No Place For Wienermobile in Hawaii?   7/26/2009
Is there anything left to believe in?

Alligators Found in NJ Home   7/25/2009
New Jersey is not like your state.

From the "Because You Need to Know" Files   7/24/2009
Welcome to the world of the platypus.

Weird Things Heard in Job Interviews   7/23/2009
Hiring managers are amazed by what job applicants say during interviews.

Today's Political Update   7/22/2009
Two of Santa's little helpers exchanged vows in a civil ceremony Monday.

Is 'Absolutely' Overused? Absolutely!   7/21/2009
This may call for some Absolute vodka.

Top 10 Foods to Avoid While Driving   7/20/2009
Uhh...ALL OF THE ABOVE comes to mind.

World Record Competition   7/18/2009
The World’s Largest Cupcake measures around 4 feet by 6 and a half feet and weighed in at more than 330 pounds.

Just Another Week in Review   7/17/2009
Some of the highlights of an average week.

10 Odd Things You Can Buy From Amazon   7/16/2009
Not recommended for the budget conscious, yet oddly interesting.

Hold Up By Potato Wielding Gunman in Jersey City Baffles Police   7/15/2009
New Jersey is not like your state.

Roadtrip America's World Famous Gopher Hole Museum   7/14/2009
There's still plenty of time to make your vacation plans.

It's For Your Own Good   7/13/2009
The latest study shows that alcohol might reduce the risk of Alzheimer's.

NJ Brewery Draws Ire For Naming Beers After Exits   7/11/2009
A small brewery has found inspiration on the New Jersey Turnpike -- and anti-drunken-driving crusaders say that's a bad idea.

Sears Starts Christmas Sales In July   7/10/2009
Santa is firing up the grill. Beware.

Smile! (It’s Mandatory)   7/9/2009
Have a nice day. Or else.

A Different Exercise Program   7/8/2009
A Russian woman has set a new world record, lifting a 14-kg. glass ball with her vagina muscles.

Hot Dog Champ Inspires Young Would-Be Gorgers   7/7/2009
Children: keep your feet on the ground and keep reaching for the stars. Or at least the hot dogs.

Finland Ends Estonia's Reign in Wife-Carrying   7/6/2009
We need to enter to bring the gold back to the states. Granted, in the US, the wives carry us.

"You've Got to Believe" Lesson For Today   7/4/2009
According to the latest studies, positive thinking can make things worse.

Birth of a Nation: Live on ESPN   7/3/2009
This year on the Fourth of July some people are eating hot dogs in Coney Island, while others are renting a copy of the video, "Independence Day."

July 4th Traditions From Around the Nation   7/2/2009
This weekend, people across the United States will be celebrating the anniversary of the signing of the Declaration of Independence with fireworks displays, picnics, and parades. Some communities celebrate in other ways that you may not be familiar with.

Terrorism Has Reached a New Low   7/1/2009
Police say a 54-year-old Lincoln woman held Mr. Coffee hostage.

The Evolution of Man   6/30/2009
The story of man is told in headlines around the world from an anthropological web site, http://storyofman.tumblr.com. .

A Short Report From a Convention   6/29/2009
Danny Fava from Queens in New York city reckons he could commute to the 52nd Little People of America National Conference at the Marriott Hotel in Brooklyn, in just 15 minutes.

The Charms of Worm Charming   6/28/2009
A range of musical talents and tricks were employed on Saturday to win the title in the World Worm Charming Championships.

Food; Part 3: Tenn. Couple Accused of Assault Using Cheetos   6/27/2009
Authorities said a couple got into a fight using Cheetos.

Is Our Students Learning?   6/26/2009
Workers painted the word ''scohol'' in a school zone.

The Latest Politician Scorecard   6/25/2009
Mark Sanford's affair is just the latest in a long line of political scandals. And these are definitely bi-partisan.

Food, Part II: Man Attacked in Oklahoma City for Bologna Sandwich, Police Say   6/24/2009
Times are tough out there, and people are hungry.

There Is a Seven Day Waiting Period for Registration in South Jersey   6/23/2009
A woman is smacked with a cucumber in Lehigh Acres.

I Before E, Except After C Rule Left to D-I-E   6/22/2009
They're taking away our most fundamental rights.

The Miracle of Online Auctions   6/20/2009
This is Mike Whittaker's tale: based on a true story. www.scarywashingmachine.com

Vacations, Part II: The First International Conference on Yawning   6/19/2009
Bored? Then plan a trip to Paris in 2010.

Make Your Vacation Plans Accordingly   6/17/2009
You lose your amateur status in the Washington version.

A Guy Gives Her What She Wants...   6/17/2009
A "missing" Cornelius man was taking a break from his wife.

Wrapped Up in Bacon   6/17/2009
We're hog wild for this fatty meat, but is the trend more smoke than sizzle?

The Top Ten Signs You've Had Too Much Coffee   6/16/2009
Did we open the thing?

A Day With The Media   6/15/2009
With today's news, you not only choose your own opinion- you choose your own brand of facts.

It's Coming Monday   6/13/2009
I guess one day a year isn't asking too much.

Fascism in Houston:Trial Begins in Balloon Battle   6/12/2009
This balloon ad was spotted on the Katy Freeway in Houston last year. Balloon ads like it are at the center of a case now in federal court.

Y2K bug: Was it Real?   6/11/2009
This child thinks so. Many of us agree with her on occasion.

The Stories Behind 10 T.V. Theme Songs   6/10/2009
Let's stick these in your head for one more day.

Topless Coffee Shop Relocating To Tent After Fire   6/9/2009
The American spirit lives on, or: Guys are pitching a tent in Maine.

Fast Food Update   6/8/2009
Here are the top 10 failed McDonald’s food products.

NBC to Produce Reality Show About Reality Show Viewers   6/7/2009
Hey, it could be true. Maybe should.

Going Into Belmont, Trainer Suspects Borel May Be Overconfident   6/6/2009
We'll soon find out, won't we?

Did You Know What Today Is?   6/5/2009
National Donut Day. Please celebrate accordingly.

A Wonder of the Ages   6/4/2009
With all of the applications which are now available on the iPhone since its inception, the average consumer must have every possible communication tool he could ever need right at his very fingertips. Or does he?

Woman Seeks 52-Pound Runaway Tortoise   6/3/2009
A big green repeat runaway is loose.

Caffeinated Popcorn Keeps Movie Buffs Buzzed   6/2/2009
Here's something to try with your large coffee.

Editorial Commentary from the Courier Post   6/1/2009
Members of our Gloucester County Community Editorial Board were asked their thoughts on the DRPA moving forward with plans for a light rail line in Gloucester County that would go through several town centers on existing rail tracks and end in Glassboro.

Charge Them, and They Will Pay   5/31/2009
Joel Achenbach of the Washington Post comments on charging for online newspaper content. And he's right.

See You in September   5/30/2009
Here are some of Jay Leno's best Obama jokes.

Latvian Hookers Signal No Recovery for Economy   5/29/2009
There is nothing left to believe in.

"You Asked For It" Department   5/28/2009
Police say a Connecticut woman was bitten after a 'bite me' remark.

International Athletic Competition Department   5/27/2009
Question: What would you do for a block of cheese?

Fascism in Washington   5/26/2009
A Washington, DC councilman is drafting legislation that would ban the late-night sale of single slices of pizza as a way to combat crime.

One Man on a Mission   5/25/2009
A St. Paul man's horrible hockey hair leads to mulletlikeme.com. Jake Nyberg jumps into a social experiment created by his tubular hair.

Four Simpsons Controversies That Didn’t End in Lawsuits   5/23/2009
If you’re a typical 21st century citizen, you’ve surely thought about suing The Simpsons for something. Maybe you’re Tracy Ullman and you want some of the money you helped to spawn (“I breast-fed those little devils.”)

Spirited Athletic Competition; or USA! USA!   5/22/2009
Today marks the long awaited World Beard and Moustache Championships.

Dentures, Debts, and Disagreements   5/21/2009
And nothing but the tooth.

Dogs Become Soldiers in War on Geese   5/20/2009
Harrass them until they don't want to be here anymore? Will that work with in-laws?

It's Hard to Say We're Sorry   5/19/2009
A message to the 2009 graduates. Welcome to our world.

What Are People Buying During a Recession?   5/18/2009
That would be chocolate, shoes, and spam.

One Man's Mission   5/17/2009
"If you collect us, they will come."

Because You Need to Know   5/16/2009
A tenor is serenading an ice cream maker's cows.

Kitty Update   5/15/2009
The Great Race between Midge the cat and Martin Humphreys The Great Race, the story of a sprint race between a man and his one-eyed cat Midge, could be the unlikely hit of the Cannes Film Festival 2009 despite being made on a budget of just £1,000.

New iPhone App Lets Users Talk To Each Other   5/15/2009
A truly revolutionary idea.

Death and Foreclosure   5/13/2009
Exactly how bad is the economy? Now we know.

More From Madoff   5/13/2009
Madoff's corporate credit card reveals the truth, a trustee says.

Sports Update   5/12/2009
New Zealand is the penguin capital of the world, home to nine of the 16 species of living penguins, so it was fitting that it should host the world’s first ‘Penguathlon’.

Kiefer Sutherland's Lawyer Offers Rutting Defense for Head Butting   5/11/2009
When did head butting become illegal?

What Were We Talking About Again?   5/9/2009
Women really listen only to gossip and other people's conservation, according to another study. That's because the alternative is listening to guys.

Images Part II: Preserve It to the Highest Bidder, Perhaps?   5/8/2009
It's all there in the burn marks.

Not the Best Way to Ring in New Years   5/8/2009
A dead deer is the cause of a woman's arrest.

Image of Toaster Appears on Virgin Mary Painting   5/7/2009
Parishioners packed the Fairfield Church of Nazarene this week as word of the toaster apparition spread throughout the community. Believe it, or don't.

Citigroup Collapses During Stress Test   5/6/2009
iT'S still in critical condition, but lending on its own.

There Is Nothing Left to Believe In   5/5/2009
Spiderman, Tinky Winky and Oompa-Loompa spend a night in the cells after a fancy dress brawl.

China's Ultimatum: Smoke or be Fined   5/4/2009
Smoke or pay ... officials in China have been told to meet smoking targets / Officials have been told to smoke 250,000 packs, fines are possible if target is not met. Smoking will stimulate the economy.

The Trip Must Have Gone Well   5/2/2009
A British woman was charged with air rage after trying to bite a crew member's leg.

Just Another Reason to Lose the Will to Live   5/1/2009
"Octomom the Musical" Now Casting

Real Cost of 'Stupid' New York Flyover Far More Than Air Force's Total   4/30/2009
The cost of flying the presidential jet over lower Manhattan for a photo-op that sent panicked New Yorkers running into the streets extended well beyond the $328,835 spent by the Air Force.

War on Christmas Update   4/29/2009
Roswell City Hall might sparkle less this Christmas. Electric holiday lights are among budget cuts council is considering.

White Trash Update   4/28/2009
Proving that you can always keep the magic alive, a couple is caught having sex in a dumpster.

Down The Stretch They Come?   4/27/2009
For the horse racing enthusiast.

The Price Per Calorie   4/25/2009
Even with glimmers of hope for the recovery, consumers are still cutting back — especially when it comes to dining out. But turning to some of fast food's biggest bargains in order to stretch your dollar in the recession may be one belt-tightening measure that could end up forcing you to loosen your buckle by a couple of notches.

Clown Cannot Wear Giant Shoes Due to Health and Safety   4/24/2009
Is there nothing left to believe in?

Jones Soda's Newest Creation: Pedal Power   4/23/2009
From the people who brought you Turkey and Gravy soda.

The Other Uber Meat   4/22/2009
A success story about bacon which of course, began over alcohol.

Educational Portion of Our Program   4/21/2009
Empowerment and the Pole: A Discursive Investigation of the Reinvention of Pole Dancing as a Recreational Activity

Singing Dog Alarm Clock Features Soft Silicone Paws Button   4/20/2009
Pet update: Dogs are beginning to strike back.

But They Drink Out of the Toilet   4/18/2009
Tupperware parties but for pets: It's 'Pupperware' time! Much like Tupperware party, except it involves pet products; 'We gave a 10-week-old puppy a spa treatment.'

No Good Can Come of This   4/17/2009
So a man gets a DWI from driving a steamroller. Maybe Texas needs to secede.

Pittsburgh Pirates to Change Name   4/16/2009
In light of the "Events surrounding last week’s hijacking of a US vessel in the Indian Ocean by Somali pirates and the escalation of maritime piracy in general", the Pittsburgh Pirates baseball organization will change its name, team officials announced.

Presidential Dog, Bo Hussein Obama, Faces Confirmation Fight   4/15/2009
Stranger things have happened.

Damm For (or against) The Defense   4/14/2009
If you are a female about 5 foot 8, 140 pounds and willing to stick your head in a toilet, a northern Wisconsin prosecutor wants your help in a homicide case.

The IRS or Fractured Fairy Tales   4/13/2009
In case you may have forgotten, we are rapidly approaching income tax time. A lot of people forget. It happens. Others just make simple mistakes, some just overlook their obligation.

Philadelphia Update   4/12/2009
This was only a test.

New Jersey Update   4/11/2009
Thieves steal 63,000 pounds of bait fish

It's Friday: Time For This Week's Sex Report   4/10/2009
NORTH Melbourne is unlikely to discipline a group of its AFL players involved in producing a video depicting a toy rubber chicken performing sex acts.

One Man's Spirit of Easter   4/9/2009
MO church leader: "Jesus didn't tap out"

Six Tax Breaks You've Probably Never Heard Of.   4/8/2009
Ah, the wild, wacky tax code—you gotta love it. With more than 20,000 pages of rules and regulations, there's something in it for everyone.

Horoscopes For Today   4/7/2009
ARIES: Your Mom is thinking of getting rid of your old baseball cards. She's not going to throw them out, she's going to sell them and use the profits to buy a pony.

Tuesday at 11:45 is Most Stressful Time of the Week, Survey Suggests   4/6/2009
We report, you decide that like everyone knows,surveys have never been wrong.

Workplace Internet Leisure Browsing Spurs Productivity   4/3/2009
The rumors are all true.

Plan Your Vacation Time Accordingly   4/3/2009
Impoliteness and rudeness in Lancaster: A coming event in the UK.

I'm Sorry, But This is Just Wrong   4/1/2009
Trained exercise co-ordinators will run a series of group exercise classes which will include Pooch Paunch Buster, Puuuroebics, Wag Attack, Canine Crunch and Pawlates.

There Are No Limits Anymore   4/1/2009
Woman to 911: Help! I'm locked inside my car!

Is This Some Cruel April Fool's Joke?   4/1/2009
Funny men laugh ladies into bed because they're seen as 'more intelligent.'

I Didn't Know This Was Illegal   3/31/2009
The Mets' 2nd base was stolen; and a memorabilia vendor wants to pursue charges.

Mark Your Calendars   3/30/2009
And plan your vacations accordingly.

Santa to get new landlord   3/27/2009
In today's economy-related Christmas update, Santa is about to be outsourced.

Rosco P. Coltrane, Boss Hogg To Advise Tyrone Council   3/27/2009
Dukes of Haphazard: Tyrone hires southerners to clean up borough's shoddy corruption practices.

CSI: Chico: The Orion Police Blotter   3/25/2009
Chico: Home of Jesus and many nerds.

US boy wins smelly shoes contest   3/25/2009
USA! USA! The pride is back.

Sound Investment Advice   3/24/2009
As a service to our readers, Andy Borowitz is now offering the worst investment advice available on the Internet. Go to: http://www.thedailybeast.com/blogs-and-stories/2009-03-23/heinous-investment-advice/

White Castle Wedding   3/23/2009
It's all in how you tell the Castle story.

15 Crazy Lawsuits That Make You to Sue Someone   3/20/2009
Speaking of AIG...

Has Anyone Looked For Him in Congress?   3/19/2009
Televised Faceoff: Does Satan exist?

AIG Offices Patrolled By Armed Guards   3/18/2009
Today's "go figure" story.

'Tis a Solemn, Satisfying Job For This Leprechaun   3/17/2009
He's 5 feet 5, wears a green cap and carries a shovel to his job. Folks who see him often ask, have you found any gold yet?

Top Ten Weirdest Tax Deductions   3/16/2009
Over the years your fellow taxpayers have beaten IRS in court on payments for many crazy things that most of us wouldn't even dream of claiming.

Worth a Shot   3/13/2009
A Northampton man claims he is immune from state laws and gets locked up instead.

Driving Tips for Amateurs   3/12/2009
It has come to my attention that the vast majority of today's drivers are, in fact, amateurs.

Coffee Update: What Was That?   3/11/2009
Never argue with the voices in your head.

Recession hits Sesame Street: Sesame Workshop announces layoffs   3/11/2009
The crisis on Wall Street is plaguing Sesame Street.

Delaware Valley Area Update   3/10/2009
They only ask, "Why so late?"

Area Man Killed By Snuggie, The Blanket With Sleeves   3/9/2009
Hey, this is only a rumor, but it could happen.

Report: Cartoon violence 'makes children more aggressive'   3/6/2009
We report: you decide if they're nuts.

If at First You Don't Succeed...   3/6/2009
A man who took an overdose wins $90,000 from hospital that hurt his arm saving his life.

Blagojevich Admits He Is "Crooked SOB"   3/5/2009
Shortly before his arrest by the FBI, a publisher awarded a six-figure book deal to Illinois Gov. Rod Blagojevich, who says he will write about "the dark side of politics."

Guys Do What Must Be Done   3/4/2009
Clerk hangs on to car hood to retrieve stolen beer. Fullerton police say they appreciate his enthusiasm, but don't condone the action.

3/3/09: Math Fans Celebrate Square Root Day   3/3/2009
Dust off the slide rules and recharge the calculators. Square Root Day is upon us.

CIA Following Bin Laden on Twitter   3/2/2009
(Pulled straight from the Borowitz Report wire services:)Hopes to Locate Madman Via Tweets

Do You Feel Lucky Enough to Argue With Him?   2/27/2009
Clint Eastwood thinks political correctness has made society humourless.

Finally, We Have a Settlement   2/27/2009
Question: In divorce, who gets custody of the kidneys?

No One Can Stand in the Way of Progress   2/25/2009
A topless coffee shop has opened in central Maine.

The Kindle Swindle?   2/25/2009
A message from the President of the Authors' Guild.

Top 10 Ig Nobels: The Best of Science's Strangest Prize   2/24/2009
Here is scientific research which needs to be heard.

Shocking Vitally Important Research   2/23/2009
A person moving from North Carolina to Pennsylvania says that a Coke can survived a trip on a truck bumper for over 300 miles without falling off.

New Jersey Monthly   2/20/2009
Hey, it's not deep, but you've got to start somewhere.

Some of Us Are Still Willing to Take Action   2/20/2009
Missouri man, angered over DTV switch, shoots his TV set

Sorting Through the Coffee Theories   2/18/2009
Just drink what you want.

Would-Be Burglar Snagged By A Snuggie   2/18/2009
Yvonne Morris stopped would-be robber by giving him a snuggie.

A Different Crime Wave   2/17/2009
Thurston’s owner tries to pin down location of 150 bowling balls.

NYC Toy Fair Vendor Offers Madoff Doll - to Smash   2/17/2009
Mad at disgraced investor Bernard Madoff? Look no further.

Ex-President's Day Sale Set For Crawford   2/16/2009
If only this was true.

Obama Seeks New Commerce Secretary on Craigslist   2/13/2009
Frustrated in his attempts to find someone willing to be Commerce Secretary, President Barack Obama today turned to Craigslist, the popular online classifieds site.

Love Potion #1: New Drug Could Control Love’s Presence   2/13/2009
Help may be on the way for the desperate.

Lifting The Cow's Tail on Superstitions   2/13/2009
This old piece finally can be used on the right day.

5 Great Depression Success Stories   2/11/2009
The news about the economy continues to be glum, which makes you wonder if any industry or business could possibly be doing well in such a crummy financial climate.

Since the Economy is Fixed, Research Hits Useful Frontiers   2/11/2009
Researchers have mapped the DNA of dozens of strains of yeast used for brewing, baking and biofuels, something they said Wednesday will help map the human genome and could lead to better-tasting beer and wine.

Dick Cheney Warns Of Alien Attack Under Obama   2/10/2009
Former Vice President Dick Cheney says that there's a "high probability" the United States will come under alien attack during President Obama's tenure.

The Diary of Bernie   2/9/2009
These are private reflections of Bernard L. Madoff, a prisoner on Park Avenue.

New Punishments For Bailed Out CEOs   2/6/2009
After imposing a $500,000 pay cap on some senior executives whose firms receive government financial rescue money, President Barack Obama admitted that this punishment may not be strong enough to change their ways and hinted that more severe punishments may be considered.

Anheuser-Busch, Miller Move to Five-Packs   2/6/2009
In a puzzling new recession-related development, brewers Anheiser-Busch and Miller-Coors have started shipping six-packs with only five bottles or cans, claiming that they will not be able to produce full six-packs again without federal bailout funding.

It's Tax Awards Time Again   2/4/2009
New York, NY: Brendan Pack, CEO of Tax Academy.com, a multimillion dollar company based in New York City and services over 100,000 companies, has announced today the annual Tax Turkey awards being given to government officials for their potential tax-related problems.

Valentine's Day is Coming   2/4/2009
And this should help you sleep on the couch for a year or so.

Road Sign Update   2/3/2009
Indiana needs to watch out for the raptors.

The $35,000 Toilet   2/2/2009
The latest in "pay" toilets.

Only Trying to Help   1/30/2009
Digital road signs in Texas warn of "Zombies Ahead."

There is Still Great Scientific Research Going on in This Country   1/30/2009
The greatest snack food stadium ever built can be seen at http://www.holytaco.com/ultimate-super-bowl-snack-stadium

Plan B: Going Postal on Postal Workers   1/28/2009
The animal attacks continue: Turkey terror in Rockport: Post Office suspends some deliveries after birds' attacks on carriers

Keeping Your Job: What Can YOU Do?   1/28/2009
Unemployment in the United States is rising fast, with some estimates claiming that it could rise as high as 105% in a few months, meaning that some people will need to get two jobs to get back to being counted as employed.

FYI: Killer Squirrels   1/27/2009
Amidst ongoing concerns about terrorism lies an often overlooked group.

Obama Memorialized in Chia Form   1/26/2009
The money from this guy's concessions might pay off the national debt.

5 Odd eBay Auctions   1/23/2009
This is just five, but the list goes on and on to this day.

This Just In   1/23/2009
44 deodorants were found stuffed in a man’s pants. Thank you and go on with your lives now.

This Just In: Lather, Rinse, Repeat   1/21/2009
Cold and flu season is here, filling the streets with a great chorus of coughing, dripping, hacking, sniffling humanity. And there's one cheap, easy, clinically proven way to avoid joining them. And it requires instructions?

SQUIRREL APPRECIATION DAY Is January 21: Are You Ready?   1/21/2009
You can usually find the little buggers on your nearest telephone wire trying to set fire to your home. Are you ready?

Dead Pigeons and Other Past Inauguration Guests   1/20/2009
The crowd at Barack Obama’s momentous inauguration will include a number of special guests, including the Tuskegee Airmen and the crew of US Airways Flight 1549.

Guys Know First Things First   1/19/2009
A man who was stabbed at a York Hotel ignored the wound to finish his beer.

2008: Change is in the Wind   1/16/2009
You couldn’t go very far in 2008 without hearing calls for change. And with good reason. Unfortunately, the change generally went from bad to worse, so most of us just changed the channel on our non-compliant HDTVs and went to bed.

GM To Bet Bailout Money at a Vegas Casino   1/15/2009
Too big to fail and they know it. Ailing General Motors was given a $9.4 billion bailout loan from Uncle Sam.

Bail Should Be Revoked   1/14/2009
If they keep enforcing this, the jails would all be filled. More than they are already.

Life's Been Good to Him So Far   1/13/2009
Bruce Vaughan said his life is a successful failure. The 87-year-old Springdale native said he's failed at everything that other people think is important but he's been highly successful at doing what he wants to do.

Woman Offers Ovary For Inaugural Ball Ticket   1/12/2009
An ovary for a ball: Fair trade, no? A 27-year-old Cleveland lawyer and Barack Obama enthusiast thinks so. On Tuesday, Lisa F. posted a Craigslist ad offering her ovary—and that of a friend—in exchange for two tickets to an inaugural ball.

Welcome to the Liars Club   1/9/2009
It's still not a lie if YOU believe it...

Caffeine Withdrawal Nearing Epidemic Proportions   1/8/2009
Be careful at all times. It could happen.

Some Protect the Ego by Working on Their Excuses Early   1/7/2009
And the problem with this is....?

Got To Be Real   1/6/2009
Every year the holiday season makes you sit back and reflect. Once again you’ve been far from perfect, but at least you’re honest.

New Innovations   1/5/2009
Perhaps no pharmaceutical company knick-knack is stranger than objects featuring a “superhero mascot” created by Fleet Pharmaceuticals and dubbed EneMan.

There's Hope for the Future   1/2/2009
IF YOU happen to have been depressed by the past year, stand by for some good news - we're all going to be having more sexual intercourse in 2009.

Top Ten Quirkiest New Year's Eve Events   1/1/2009
TripAdvisor named Bethlehem, Pa.’s Peep Show as No. 2 in its list of “Top 10 Quirkiest New Year’s Eve Events.” Bethlehem’s First Night event is ranked No. 2 for its tradition of dropping a 25-pound fiberglass Peep in the countdown to midnight.

Laws Still on the Books in America   12/31/2008
From changing the color of baby chicks to shooting effigies to properly honoring the glory of the log cabin, Americans have spent valuable legislative hours throughout the years making sure we're on the straight and narrow.

Sports Illustrated Releases Wildly Unpopular Snowsuit Edition   12/30/2008
Sports Illustrated was hoping to piggyback off of its iconic and highly successful swimsuit edition. Instead, the magazine got the poorest-selling issue in its 54-year history.

Welcome to 2009   12/29/2008
EAT more yak, learn to belch the alphabet, get my comma problems under control.

For The Rest of Us   12/26/2008
Has Festivus become too much for the rest of us? Fans of the faux holiday, which became famous on an episode of 'Seinfeld' 11 years ago, worry that it's becoming too commercial.

The Science of Gift Giving   12/25/2008
An article from a 1990 issue of Spy magazine that examines the physics of Santa’s toy delivery journey has been floating around the Internet for as long as I can remember. It’s ubiquity at a certain time of year sort of makes it the web version of the “Yes, Virginia, there is a Santa Claus” editorial. If you haven’t seen it, here it is:

More Than You Need To Know About Christmas   12/24/2008
Why the Christmas tree? Why reindeer? Why the ridiculous suit? Why are we asking this now?

Fifteen Predictions For 2009   12/23/2008
While it’s far easier and much more satisfying to look back at the previous year and say “I told you so,” I will once again take the “Shut Up And Listen To What I’m Telling You” approach and make my Predictions for 2009, with the hope that enough other things will happen to make you forget my erroneous prognostications around this time next year.

Christmas 2008: Season's Cleanings   12/22/2008
It was a beautiful winter day at the North Pole toy factory. It was 75 degrees in December due to global warming, and winds were E/NE at 5 to 10 MPH. The elves were all snuggled in their tanning beds, with visions of stimulus checks dancing in their heads.

Is He Kidding?   12/19/2008
Viewpoint from the associate editor of a magazine known as the Asylum. Perhaps for good reason. Opposing points of view are always welcome.

Senate Abandons Sleigh Bailout Bill   12/18/2008
Despite pleas to do it for the children and quoting lines from Miracle On 34th Street, Senate Democrats were unable to end debate on a $34 billion sleigh bailout bill and bring it to a full vote. The failed measure puts Christmas at risk with just days to go until the biggest holiday of the year.

Alternative Energy Christmas and Equal Pay For Elves   12/17/2008
Actual conversation heard at the Deptford Mall Santa display: SANTA: What would you like for Christmas this year, little boy? ME: I’d like a retirement plan that I can actually retire on before I’m 87, and a health care plan that doesn’t include a rabbit’s foot and an apple a day.

Shoe Industry Gets Bush Bump   12/16/2008
CEOs of firms in the struggling shoe industry (motto: “Don’t Stop Treading On Me”) are rejoicing after their companies recorded record sales following the worldwide broadcast of President Bush having a pair of shoes thrown at him by a journalist in Baghdad.

Useful Christmas Gift Idea   12/15/2008
Thoughts from the President of the Authors Guild.

Recession TV Christmas Specials   12/12/2008
With Washington finally admitting the country is in a recession, Hollywood is rushing to produce Christmas specials that reflect the times. Here’s a few coming soon — check your local listings for broadcast times:

Christmas Kitty Update   12/11/2008
Pets get stressed out around Christmas too. Here's what you can do about it.

FYI: Wait Until Summer   12/10/2008
Astronomers have calculated that Christmas should be in June, by charting the appearance of the 'Christmas star' which the Bible says led the three Wise Men to Jesus.

Christmas Wishes Which Hopefully Don't Come True(Part II)   12/9/2008
Now the exciting conclusion to yesterday's story. Or not.

Christmas Wishes Which Hopefully Don't Come True(Part I)   12/8/2008
During tough economic times, it seems like more people than ever have a wish list this year. We here at Gift Guide Headquarters receive a number of these lists(2) every season, along with our numerous festive holiday cease-and-desist orders.

Christmas is Still Coming...   12/5/2008
And you need that perfect gift for your needier friends.

The Making of a Legend in Their Own Minds   12/4/2008
The wrestling career of the founding members of the Atwoods rock band finally came to an abrupt halt. It seems that a number of wrestling promoters across the country were putting unreasonable demands upon The Idiots, who were regional champions in every area they chose to visit. Promoters wanted the champs to ACTUALLY DEFEND their titles.

Five Holiday Shopping Pitfalls to Avoid   12/3/2008
Now that the holiday shopping season is in full swing, you’ll probably have to navigate a retail gauntlet to pick up gifts for everyone on your list. You may think that as long as you don’t headbutt another customer while going for the last Wii or get assaulted in a doorbuster frenzy on Black Friday, you’ll be fine. You might want to reconsider, though, as any number of pitfalls could still give you trouble, including some that strike after you get your booty to its carefully chosen hiding place in your home. (And yes, your children know it’s all hidden in the guest room closet.)

Dead Tree Returns as Holiday Elf   12/2/2008
Happy Holidays? We report, you decide.

The Christmas When Rudolph Was Laid Off   12/1/2008
Yes, Boys and Girls, It is time to sit down for another cheery holiday tale of Christmas. Huddle around the the fireplace while we still have a roof over our heads. The bank has not foreclosed on us just yet. Just sip on your hot chocolate…

Christmas in the News   11/28/2008
Things are different again this year.

A Turkey's Opposing View to Thanksgiving   11/27/2008
Thanksgiving is finally upon us. And speaking of turkeys, many of us are still recovering from the fallout of the recent election. According to new regulations regarding fair and balanced reporting, the following story is required to provide equal time to opposing points of view about the traditional Thanksgiving holiday dinner.

An Interview With Wall Street's Santa   11/26/2008
Thanksgiving Day marks the traditional first appearance of Santa Claus in malls and parades and on street corners ringing bells. However, the crisis on Wall Street in 2008 forced Treasury Secretary Henry Paulson to make a 3 AM call to St. Nick to ask the jolly old elf to show up a little early to spread some cheer among the depressed brokers and bankers.

Christmas is Coming   11/25/2008
And we're here to supply you with helpful gift ideas. In the sense that helpful means to shorten your gift list.

Another Side Heard From Around the Holidays   11/24/2008
Christian Nymphos: Married Sex: Spicy, the way God intended it to be!

Congress Considers Teenager Bailout Plan   11/21/2008
Separate measures before the House and the Senate that would provide $600 million to help bail out America's teenage population could be voted on as early as next week. The biggest hurdle facing each bill is a rider stipulating that the teens must perform chores in order to receive their share of the bailout.

Obama’s Use of Complete Sentences Stirs Controversy   11/20/2008
In the first two weeks since the election, President-elect Barack Obama has broken with a tradition established over the past eight years through his controversial use of complete sentences, political observers say.

For Civic Duty and Humanity   11/19/2008
News item: Gasoline prices fall to an average of $2.220 per gallon nationally.

Top Ten Business Books For 2009   11/18/2008
Tenacity. Discipline. Innovation. You lacked all of these qualities in 2008. Avoid another year of failure by adding these Top 10 Business Books for 2009 to your Christmas list.

The Downsizing of Santa   11/17/2008
It's going to be a lean year for the jolly fat man.

15 Reasons To Let General Motors Go Bankrupt   11/14/2008
The Money Curmudgeon is tired of politicians arguing over which administration should bail out General Motors and why it is too big to fail (which is #1 on my list of phrases to stop using in 2009, except in the case of student-athletes at my alma mater).

Obama's First Week in Office Gets Mixed Reviews   11/13/2008
Over a week after the election, surveys are showing hints of dissatisfaction with Barack Obama's performance as the newly elected president.

Wishing For Silent Nights   11/12/2008
Do you hear what I hear? If you do, then chances are the Christmas spirit You are currently feeling is somewhat less than bright and festive. That’s because once again this holiday season it seems that Santa Claus is coming to town just a little earlier every year.

Top Five Hot Jobs for the Rest of 2008   11/11/2008
Are you a plumber upset by the sudden competition for all those lucrative pipe snakings? Maybe you’ve lost your seven-figure salary due to some ‘off balance sheet’ accounting. While things may look bleak, there are plenty of jobs to be had by the industrious. According to the Association for American Opportunists, here are five high paying jobs you can get now.

This Just In   11/10/2008
WASHINGTON—In a nationally televised address to the American people Wednesday night, President Bush called upon every man, woman, and child to spiral uncontrollably downward into complete and utter panic.

The Times They Are A-Changing?   11/3/2008
The American voter has learned a lot during the thirty year duration of the 2008 Presidential campaign. Most of it was about our need for change.

Putting Lipstick on Presidential Campaigns   10/28/2008
Senator Barack Obama has become somewhat of a cultural phenomenon this year. He was a darling of the media before he took his overseas trip, and he has inspired many younger people into voting. His vocal styling and presence remind many of a young Muhummad Ali.

Highly Improbable   10/23/2008
Isaac Asimov once said, “The most exciting phrase to hear in science, the one that heralds new discoveries is not ‘Eureka!’ but ‘That’s funny.’

Ghosts, Goblins, and Election Posters   10/16/2008
It was a dark, quiet, and spooky Halloween night of 2008. All that could be heard was the whistling of the wind, a dog howling off in the distance, and the faint strains of "Grandma Got Run Over By a Reindeer" from a local radio station.

Reading Between the Lines   9/30/2008
Results of an AP poll released last summer found that one in four adults read no books at all in 2006.

The Pipeline From Alaska   9/24/2008
In the midst of this Presidential campaign which both candidates acknowledged would remain clean has come the question of experience. During assorted moments of clean campaign mudslinging, Sarah Palin’s experience level has been debated, along with that of Senator Obama. In our never-ending search for truth, we’ll shovel a path through the snow so we can uncover the Alaskan experience.

Lifting The Cow's Tail on Superstitions   9/12/2008
Many of us have always been a bit superstitious. When Friday the 13th arrives, some people lock themselves in their houses and hide under the bed. As long as they get out from the bed on the same side they went under, they are confident that they won’t be cursed that day.

Fractured Hairlines   9/3/2008
Let me get right to the point. How’s your hairline looking these days?

Who Needs to Be a Superhero?   8/26/2008
This summer has been noteworthy due to the release of an incredible number of superhero movies. Frankly, I wasn’t aware that there were this many superheroes who needed the work. If that is the case, aren’t there any superheroes available who can protect each of our local communities?

Exercise: Blood, Sweat, and Cheetos   8/18/2008
The wonders of modern science continue to amaze. This summer we’ve learned that an “exercise pill” may be in the works for humans.

Wrestling With Talent Issues   8/12/2008
Many people who have visited this site may think that I am merely a mediocre column writer. And previous to that a mediocre forklift operator. And that was all. But nothing could be further from the truth.

The Benefits of Aging   8/5/2008
There has been a lot of talk about whether or not we need to overhaul the Social Security system. I admit that I don't totally understand the numbers being tossed around. It reminds me of the old story about car dealers. "Let's juggle the numbers a little bit and see what they do. I hope too many large numbers don't land on the left."

Independent Coffeehouses Offer Moore Perks   7/29/2008
The employees who work in the tallest building in Seattle, the Columbia Center, are faced with many difficult decisions during their daily grind. Would they rather fuel up with coffee from the building’s Starbucks on the first floor or do they ride they elevator to see the new Starbucks which is up forty floors?

Unskilled, Mediocre, and Cheap   7/22/2008
With this current economic downturn never seeming to end, it’s getting harder and harder to stretch a dollar even further than you already have. But there are still many more ways in which you can pinch your pennies. And many of them are right underneath your nose.

More Proof That We Are Very Near the End of Civilization   7/15/2008
America's professional Father Christmases have been plunged into civil war amid accusations of profiteering, unethical behaviour and even Claus-on-Claus violence.

Keeping the American Dream Alive   7/8/2008
Owning a home is harder than it’s been in years due to today’s economy. Foreclosures and high unemployment rates have turned the longtime American dream into a nightmare.

Not The Smoothest Operators   6/30/2008
Results from the 2008 National Drivers Test have shown that 33 million licensed Americans would not pass a written drivers examination if it were administered today. This amounts to over 16 percent of the drivers currently on the road, and it begs the obvious question: How did the other 84 percent get through the traffic in time to take the test?

Two Tickets to Discount Paradise   6/24/2008
It’s not easy going on vacation during economic times like we are facing today. Too many people have lost their jobs, but they still deserve some form of vacation because of all the service time they have invested in their employer.

Editorial Commentary From the Courier Post   6/18/2008
Should Congress suspend the gas tax for the summer?

Your Overall Net Worth   6/11/2008
The economy continues to go through tough times, and a lot of companies are offering their older employees severance packages. Or so I’ve heard.

Where's The Beef In Your State Slogan?   6/3/2008
It seems like every three years or so New Jersey feels the need to remarket itself. The people who make the laws in New Jersey can’t come to an agreement on a state budget, so they’ve come up with an idea which will cause less damage: creating a new state slogan.

Editorial Commentary From the Courier Post   5/19/2008
Should Stephen Sweeney, the state Senate majority leader, also be running for re-election to his Gloucester County freeholder seat?

The More Things Change   5/12/2008
Once again we’ve reached graduation time for all this year’s high school and college students. It’s that exciting time when they can finally cut the cords from their parents and make their mark by entering the job market; a place where many of the students will find…their parents.

The Communication Gap Is Growing   5/6/2008
“It’s just not cost effective to keep as many numbers on staff during this kind of business downturn. So the restructuring phase of our new marketing campaign will now unfortunately focus on downsizing of our current forces.”

Editorial Commentary From the Courier Post   4/30/2008
What can be done to stop large-scale shootings?

You and Your Company   4/25/2008
The economy is continuing on its downward spiral as we are speaking today. In my case, the dollar bill is dropping further in value on a daily basis.

Stimulating Factors Are Involved   4/14/2008
Income tax time comes at a particularly tough time for the economy this year. Normally, tax time provides a stimulus to the economy, mostly in one way plane trips to Switzerland. Instead, we are about a month away from receiving our economic stimulus checks from President Bush.

Editorial Commentary From the Courier Post   3/19/2008
What do you think should be done to fix traffic around the Deptford Mall?

Jobs: It Could Be Worse   3/5/2008
Most people come to a point in their lives when they become dissatisfied with their jobs. They feel unfulfilled, and become unhappy because they believe a career change would be more rewarding.

Happiness, Relationships. and Other Myths   2/13/2008
Another problem the baby boomer is going to have to deal with as he grows older is that of sex. The kind involving partners.

Editorial Commentary From the Courier Post   2/6/2008
What do you think of the governor's plan to increase tolls?

Not Changing For The Better   1/22/2008
The approximately 1,137 candidates who still remain in the 2008 Presidential race have finally found an issue on which they can all agree: they support change. You may need to research their positions on the war and the economy, but they will always remind you that they are instruments of change.

Wringing Out Another Tough Year: 2007   1/7/2008
The year 2007 became the year of many choices for the American public. We could have chosen to overlook Paris, Britney, Lindsay, and Rosie O’Donnell, but we did not.

Editorial Board Commentary From the Courier-Post   1/5/2008
Should a PATCO Hi-Speedline be built in Gloucester County?

Santa Version 2.0   12/19/2007
It seems that Christmas traditions are not what they used to be in this different day and age. In recent years we’ve come to see many new ones added.

Merry Christmas From E.R.   12/11/2007
Around this joyous time of year, we here at Gift Guide Headquarters always tend to wax nostalgic about Christmases of our past. We remember fondly the Christmas of 1985, which we spent in the emergency room at Underwood Hospital after being trampled at Walmart’s 2 For 1 Nose Hair Trimmer sale display for the holidays.

Forgetting The Whole Thing   11/27/2007
After doing complete and thorough research on the subject matter of this week’s column, I forgot what I was going to write about today.

On The Job Training   11/13/2007
In recent years we’ve learned that the biggest problem in having a successful career is that all the best jobs are overseas. So it’s time once again to review the obstacles that remain for those of us in the states that are still employed.

Editorial Comment From the Courier Post   11/6/2007
Have high property taxes in New Jersey motivated you to vote out all incumbents on Nov. 6, regardless of their political party?

The Scariest Time of the Year   10/29/2007
Once again we’ve reached the scariest part of every year. Communities across the US will see little people in costumes knocking on doors soliciting favors for their own enjoyment. I can’t wait until Halloween is over so we can fully experience the sheer terror of another year of elections.

The 2007 Ig Nobel Awards   10/13/2007
A study on how to relieve jetlag in hamsters won one of the prizes Pioneering research into a "gay bomb" that makes enemy troops "sexually irresistible" to each other has scooped one of this year's Ig Nobel Prizes.

On The Fast Track To Nowhere   10/8/2007
Is it ever too late in life to make a career change? Sometimes at your place of employment you find yourself getting nowhere fast, but making very good time at it. And you don’t have as much time left as you did when you were younger.

Once Upon A Time   9/24/2007
It seems like everything you read in the headlines these days is bad news. Myself and others of baby boomer age are preparing to turn over society to the younger generation, but the innocence of youth gets proven guilty much more frequently these days.

Statistics: Part of the Problem   9/10/2007
An important part of the news these days is the employment statistics. In any given month, the figures are computed to be up or down, while at the same time the job of tracing unemployment figures is being outsourced to India.

What's Love Got To Do With It?   8/22/2007
How do we love thee? Let us count the ways. According to another new study, we’ve counted a total of 237 different reasons that people would like to have sex.

The City That Needs A Nap   8/8/2007
I recently spent a week’s vacation in the seaside town of Ocean City, New Jersey. And with all due respect given to New York City, Ocean City just may be considered the city that always sleeps.

MIA With a GPS   7/25/2007
As I have ventured down life’s lonesome highway, I have learned that it is wise to allow yourself a break from your normal daily routine to enjoy a few nights of entertainment. Fortunately, there are more than a few avenues in the South Jersey area in which you can spend a pleasant night out.

Anti-Tasking   7/11/2007
The wonders of modern technology have allowed us to save enormous amounts of time by getting our work done much more quickly. High speed Internet, cellular phones, and even anabolic steroids will get us where we want to be in a much shorter time than in years past.

Raging At Gasoline Prices Again   6/27/2007
A recent survey stated that drivers in Miami are the rudest in the nation. Granted, shooting at other drivers tends to give Miami an unfair advantage in this poll. And while they have held the title for two years in a row, I don’t believe Miami drivers are all that rude.

The Journey to the Job Fair   6/13/2007
Class of 2007, you are about to embark upon the journey of your young lifetimes. You will soon take all of the inspiration, young ideas, and healthy attitudes which got you this far and turn them into a future known as “work."

Genuine Tap Water   5/28/2007
Unless you've spent the past few days in Alaska, you've noticed that much of our area welcomed summer with our first heat wave of the year this past holiday weekend. One that brings days with the kind of humidity that just saps all the energy from you.

Not Just Another Day At The Beach   5/16/2007
New Jersey Governor Jon Corzine recently called himself “blessed” while he was continuing to recover from his automobile accident injuries.

A Day at the Races   5/1/2007
With the calendar reaching spring, if you're looking for a little fun and excitement for the whole family look no further. On the first weekend in May, people all across the country become horse racing experts as they anticipate the annual Run for the ATM Machine, the Kentucky Derby.

Throwing an Adjustable Hat Into The Political Ring   4/16/2007
We’ve reached that time of year again when everyone’s political focus turns to the 2008 Presidential campaign. To this point we’ve seen approximately 325 candidates and their grandmothers announce that they are now candidates to become the next President of the United States.

Not Many Happy Returns   4/2/2007
This year’s 1040EZ tax booklet states, ”Paying taxes is a unifying experience fundamental to democracy and the rule of law. The IRS seeks to help people understand and pay their taxes as easily as possible.

Taking a Long Weekend   3/18/2007
Once upon a time in every young man’s life, he comes upon the reality that he is not all that young anymore. And as time marches on, things begin to change in his little corner of the world. The little apple cart he calls his lifestyle is suddenly being upset. Like when his employer calls on Sunday and says he’s welcome to take an extra-long weekend.

No Experience Necessary If You Work Cheap   3/5/2007
Between 1946 and 1964, there were 78 million baby boomers born in the United States. They quickly became the epitome of hip and happening, and they were responsible for many important achievements during their formative years. I would tell you what they were, but it’s hard to maintain a train of thought when you’ve fried this many brain cells over the years.

Lost Outside of Cyberspace   2/18/2007
Perhaps in your daily routine you may find that you spend too much time working at a computer. Strangely enough, when you spend around three weeks away from the internet, you realize that you had forgotten there are a world of other activities at your disposal outside of your computer room.

2006: The Year Is Now In Rehab   2/3/2007
Since some of us have been out of the loop for three weeks, please pretend this is January 3. Better late than never, perhaps? I just wish this was funny.

Voyage Into The 20 th Century   1/27/2007
There comes a time in a young man’s life, or even an old fool’s, for that matter, where he needs to take stock of exactly where he stands in this vast universe. The beginning of year number 2007 proved to be that point for me.

Just Another Christmas Newsletter   12/25/2006
It's time once again for the annual Christmas newsletter update from the Holt family. That includes me, by the way. Rule Number One: It's always all about me.

Merry Christmas Brought to You By Golden Palace   12/10/2006
Judging from the holiday decorations which are popping up all over, the Christmas lights now illuminating your neighborhood, Christmas music in the air right after Halloween, the fourteen mile backup at your local mall, and the people scalping primo $100 parking spaces at the front of that mall when you finally do get there, it's evident that the holiday shopping season is well underway.

A Turkey's Opposing Point of View to Thanksgiving   11/22/2006
Thanksgiving is right around the corner. And speaking of turkeys, many of us are still recovering from the fallout of the recent mid-term elections. According to new regulations regarding fair and balanced reporting, the following story is required to provide equal time to opposing points of view about the traditional Thanksgiving holiday dinner.

Origin of the Attack Ad   11/4/2006
Once again we are well into another election season. And in order to make the most responsible choice we can in electing the candidate who is most capable of serving the public interest best, we need to know each one's strongest points, and the plans they have to improve their respective community.

The Job Interview: 2006   10/23/2006
Despite what you may have heard from certain sources, the job market is anything but secure in this day and age. If the latest consumer reports toward the products made by your particular corporation lean toward fires and explosions, your employment future may not be quite as bright as you'd like it to be.

Defeating the Oil Demon   10/9/2006
Hello, my name is Bob, and I am an oil addict.

The Company You Keep   9/25/2006
It's often been said that people are judged by the company they keep. No, I'm not talking about your friends. I'm talking about that place in which you are gainfully employed.

Skullduggery on the High Seas   9/18/2006
Most holidays have a long and storied history behind them. Christmas, of course, dates back to the birth of Christ, while Thanksgiving takes us all the way back to 1620 with the Pilgrims. This is the tale of one of our newer holidays, which was born on an Albany racquetball court.

After The Fall   9/3/2006
People who enter into military service come from all walks of life. Some of them come from off the streets, others are children who are barely out of high school, while many enlisted in search of finding some direction to their lives.

Back To School Because I Said So, That's Why   8/22/2006
Hard as it may be to believe, we've reached that time of year again where parents take their children to the mall for back-to-school shopping. It may not be that hard to believe for some of you, who were ready to send them back to school on approximately June 28, when you realized that your home had acquired a clinging ivy plant which had grown out of control and attached itself permanently to the bed or the TV remote.

Just Wondering...   8/16/2006
I was just wondering...

Keeping An Open Mind   8/6/2006
According to the looks of today's headlines, America has an awful lot on its collective minds. Like the chances of Britney Spears' child carpooling with Mel Gibson, whether Britney, Madonna, Denise, and/or Heather will still remain friends, or whether or not Ann Coulter will travel to Namibia to deliver her demon spawn from Satan. No wonder so much of the country is stressed.

Down to the Bare Essentials   7/18/2006
So our long regional nightmare is over. Once again New Jersey is alive and open for business. Now those non-essential state workers will be able to return from furlough and begin earning a paycheck again. I always thought a furlough was a weekend pass which recruits might receive in military service. Come to think of it, this furlough wasn't much longer than that.

How to Age Disgracefully   7/10/2006
I was merely minding my own business the other day when I noticed that according to the calendar on my wall, I am about to turn fifty-two years old. Just how did this happen? Why wasn't I notified sooner?

A Little Independence Day History   7/2/2006
With all of the political infighting going on in the country these days, it seems like many of us have different ideas of what it means to be a united nation. This should be symbolized by the upcoming Independence Day. Again this year the Fourth of July will find people celebrating in their own different ways.

The Price of Fame in South Jersey   6/19/2006
On many nights during this past season, it seemed like three-quarters of the known universe and perhaps ninety percent of the animal kingdom were tuned in to watch American Idol. And last summer around 600,000 people streamed through Philadelphia to watch the performers who made up Live 8.

Vacations: Not Always Kodak Moments   6/5/2006
It's that time of year again. And they're always going to ask, aren't they? "Are you going anywhere on vacation this year?" Of course they just got back from spending two weeks in Hawaii, while the last time you had any time away from work your high point was that Hawaii-Five 0 marathon you watched all weekend on TV Land.

Financial Insecurity After Graduation   5/20/2006
It's time once again to offer a few words to this year's class of high school and college graduates. You know, we almost didn't make it to the ceremony today. The combination of your I-pods and cell phones along with the hearing aids of myself and your parents caused a massive blackout across three states earlier this morning.

Clearing the Air on a Smoking Ban   5/6/2006
New Jersey recently became the eleventh state to ban smoking in indoor business establishments. The idea of the bill is to protect workers from the harmful effects of tobacco smoke, except casino employees, who are apparently expendable. I believe this bill is known as the New Jersey Smoke-Free In Buildings Other Than Casinos Because People With Money Are Better Than You Air Act.

A Sleep Expert Needs a Nap   4/22/2006
As part of our celebration of National Sleep Awareness week, we recently "sprang our clocks forward" as part of our yearly observance of Daylight Saving Time. Now I realize we are considered a country of heathens who have become addicted to wasting resources like energy and gasoline. Or so I've heard. But if it isn't too much trouble, could I have that hour of sleep back that I saved some time real soon?

Income Tax Returns For Creative People   4/7/2006
In order to earn a living these days, many people find themselves stuck working at jobs they find boring or tedious. They are not in a position to unleash any hidden talent or creativity they may possess. But then once a year income tax time rolls around.

Answers to Mediocre Questions   3/24/2006
Answered! Life's most mediocre questions. The most mediocre mysteries of modern mankind are about to be explained right before your very eyes. Why do bad things happen to good people? Why do good things happen to bad people? Why do birds sing so gay? And lovers await the break of day?

Cartoons Were More Fun When They Were Funny   3/10/2006
This week, we are forced to take another look at a very important part of the entertainment media. Recent worldwide events have raised serious questions about just how far freedom of the press in the Western world should be allowed to go. And in the past many Christian organizations have been making bold accusations about this particular part of the entertainment business. It seems that the evil cartoon industry is at it again.

The New Vulture Culture   2/24/2006
Back when I was growing up, I lived in the small southern New Jersey town of Wenonah. I've always known Wenonah as a nice, friendly city where the grass may have been greener on the other side, but the property taxes were still equally as high.

We Love Christmas in July   2/11/2006
The turning of the calendar to another new year can only mean one thing: the holidays are finally over. And you only have about six months remaining to finish paying off Billy's new X-Box 360 that you waited two days outside in line in twenty degree weather to buy and he broke ten minutes after he opened it.

Memoirs of a Goofball   1/28/2006
Recent media events have brought to my attention that the lines are being blurred in the art of writing a non-fiction book. And that blurriness may or may not have come as a result of your past cocaine addiction.

Shocking News About Coffee   1/14/2006
It seems like the debate about whether or not coffee is healthy for you has been going on forever, and it's time that I offered my own views on the situation. But I find that I am unable to form opinions, or even syllables for that matter, until after my third cup of coffee.

2005: Dropping The Ball Again   1/1/2006
Once again we've reached that special time where we like to take a look back at all of the special moments and fond memories we have from the past year. Unfortunately, that year was 1972. Back then gas prices were on the rise, many people were protesting an unpopular war, and Michael Jackson was still in his pajamas. Thankfully we've come a long way since those days.

I Saw Mommy Suing Santa Claus   12/17/2005
Don't look now, but Christmas is right around the corner. According to local retail stores it has been around the corner since about July. And in today's different day and age, we need to take extra precautions to make sure the holiday runs smoothly.

Christmas Gifts Which Promise Many Happy Returns   12/9/2005
One of my fondest childhood memories of Christmas morning is waking up bright and early, stumbling out of bed and racing down the stairs to see what great gifts Santa Claus had brought me. Considering that our home had only one floor and the stairs led to the basement, I thought that receiving only one small ankle tear as a youth was a rather remarkable achievement.

Greeting Cards For All Occasions   11/26/2005
Often people become depressed when the weather gets colder and they see another year fall off their calendar. Well, there's nothing like a good old-fashioned greeting card to lift someone's spirits when we approach the holidays. Greeting cards are your own special way of telling friends or relatives how you really feel about them on any given day.

Answering Butterball Hotline Questions   11/19/2005
As we get closer to Thanksgiving, every year people make plans to get together with family and friends to enjoy a hearty holiday meal. If you're not among those people who are having their turkey thinly sliced, processed, wrapped in foil and delivered by the good people at Swansons(not that I know any such person), then you are likely to have questions about how to properly prepare a turkey dinner.

Attacking the Issues-Whatever They Are   11/5/2005
If an election for governor is held in New Jersey and no one cares, will it still make an impact? Early polling results indicate that one voter in ten is willing to vote for Doug Forrester, one in ten will vote for Jon Corzine, while eight out of ten want to know why two multimillionaires want to spend millions of dollars to become the most hated man in the state.

Brightening Our Spirits   10/30/2005
Here in South Jersey, the signs of fall are all around us now since daytime temperatures have finally started to dip into the low 90s. Often people let the change in seasons dampen their spirits. But when the weather gets colder and the yuletide decorations start springing up, it can only mean one thing: it's almost Halloween. And I've discovered that many people have ghosts and spirits in their very own home which need busting, dampening, and outright removing.

A Series of Commercials   10/20/2005
It's been incredibly hot in this part of the country these days. We've seen the kind of humidity which will quickly engulf you in a pool of sweat if you engage in any kind of strenuous outdoor activity, such as breathing.

Career Advancement in Five Days or Less   10/10/2005
Have you ever found yourself saying, "Everything I am today I've created through my own hard work!" Have you ever heard your wife or girl friend respond, "Well, I'm certainly glad to hear you finally admit it."

A Detour in the Road Not Taken   10/1/2005
One of the poet Robert Frost's lesser known works is titled "The Road Not Taken." He probably couldn't take that road because the right lane was closed for construction on the Atlantic City Expressway.