Bob Holt - Rants

Career Advancement in Five Days or Less
10/10/2005

Have you ever found yourself saying, "Everything I am today I've created through my own hard work!" Have you ever heard your wife or girl friend respond, "Well, I'm certainly glad to hear you finally admit it."

All right, maybe your career path hasn't turned out exactly the way you'd hoped. That "winning the lottery" business plan never panned out, so you don't have that speedy Lamborghini sitting in your driveway that you know you deserve. The only thing in your home that goes from 0 to 200 in four seconds is your bathroom scale.

We're here to change all that today. Upon reconsidering, you've determined that your new career goal is to acquire vast wealth and fortune as quickly as possible without actually having to deal with people. In that case, buying that palatial manor in France or a string of poloponies is going to take longer than you'd planned.

You first need to look through the help wanted section of your local newspaper to determine which jobs you are qualified for. The best jobs you find available involve the use of a "Trainee" hat, so you buy another newspaper.

Then you apply for a particular position which suits you best, such as mob kingpin. Next you remember that you live in New Jersey and will never be able to get to your job location due to road construction, so you're already late for your job interview and are fired.

But with persistence, a good work ethic, and the ability to learn how to avoid actually doing your job later, you will eventually land a job. Before you begin, many employers will require drug testing. Thank goodness they don't ask for I.Q. testing.

As a new employee, you will want to learn everything you can about your co workers. You will soon learn to hate them nearly as much as they hate you. Many of them, mainly the workers with over twenty years of service, will be more than happy to train you the proper way to take over their job position.

As a new employee, you will want to learn everything you can about your co workers. One of the many denizens of your office is called the "hero."

The hero will do their share of the workload and about two thirds of yours, at least in their own mind, and will not hesitate to tell you and assorted supervisory types all about it. The hero graciously spends money out of their own pocket to buy their own personal company uniform, which has tights with a big red "S" on the front. These are usually found in the hero's laundry.

You may find that other employees are college graduates. They have B.A. degrees in B.S. These employees are only working with you until their fabulous state, civil service, or Donald Trump apprentice job opens up. These people will be working here long after you're gone.

In the meantime, in some companies employees find that they have a lot in common with supervision. They learn this through buying coffee, lunches, or a round of golf or drinks for a supervisor. These employees will quickly become your boss.

One of the hazards you will find at many workplaces is called the "employee meeting." These are usually held in a subterranean office located about twenty feet below the surface. This office is where supervisory types often hold their own meetings, and is known as the "Impenetrable Fortress of Useless Ideas."

The purpose of these meetings is for supervision to take in all of the valuable input, suggestions, and ideas from the labor force so they can stay in touch with how the employees are thinking, and tell them we'll get back to you later.

Employees may report that the company auditor has been missing since the last holiday, or that the coffee machine is now a cauldron which serves human blood( an improvement). Instead of getting back to you later, then the supervisors are likely to respond that they will take this information under advisement.

If you should happen to land a supervisory position in your job search, you will want to avoid a certain category. Some newer supervisory types are known as "I Have a College Degree and a Higher Position Than You Which Gives Me an Inflated Sense of Self Importance." Twenty year company employees get along with these supervisors the best because they've been around long enough to know how to make something look like an accident.

But don't let that discourage you. The job market is looking better than ever. As this is being written, over 200,000 jobs had been created in the previous month. Granted, 199,992 of them were temporary positions.

But the future certainly looks bright for your children. They should be able to graduate from high school or college into rewarding temporary careers as reality show hosts, gasoline price number changers, Karl Rove career counselor, backup singer for Vonage commercials, or Jon Corzine's girlfriend, some of these earning as much as $8.00 an hour.

And if you continue to apply yourself and work hard, you're bound to be looking at that new Lamborghini really soon. I've heard the local car dealer is hiring.