Bob Holt - Rants (Articles)

A Series of Commercials
10/20/2005

It's been incredibly hot in this part of the country these days. We've seen the kind of humidity which will quickly engulf you in a pool of sweat if you engage in any kind of strenuous outdoor activity, such as breathing.

So in our ongoing battle to provide readers with only the best in investigative journalism, we've gathered together the finest modern day research equipment at our disposal. These include coffee, potato chips, numerous roast beef hoagies, air conditioning, and the TV remote, which will help us to find the top news stories of the day.

On first look, the television schedule appears to be dominated by reality shows, most of which would force confessions out of members of Guantanamo Bay. And those would be from the guards.

The only things on television which are less based in reality than the programming schedule are the commercials. On any given night you might see the lead singer from a 1990s pop group dressed in a cowboy outfit surrounded by women who couldn't make the old Robert Palmer videos. And there's a good chance that some deranged, plastic headed Burger King will be stalking the whole lot of them.

I think these commercials would make a better reality show by themselves than the programs currently airing. That type of script might look SOMETHING like this:

(The opening scene takes place inside a popular fast-food restaurant which is located near the "subway". Two men named, ohh, George and Jerry, are seated at a booth. A young man with glasses walks into the dining area.)

JERRY: Hello, Newman.

GEORGE: No, he's the restaurant spokesman. Five years ago he lost 245 pounds just by eating their hoagies every day.

JERRY: You can't do that.

GEORGE: He still has those big pants to prove it. I think he must have left the high calorie items off the hoagies to do it, like lettuce, tomato, onion, mayo, and meat.

JERRY: They helped him lose weight, why can't they help him become less of a dweeb?

GEORGE: He'd look better wearing a plastic Burger King head.

JERRY: I hear Ronald McDonald is a bodybuilder now.

(Suddenly a duck walks into the dining room.)

DUCK: AFLAC!

JERRY: I didn't know they served duck here.

GEORGE: What did he order?

JERRY: Who cares? Let's eat it.

DUCK: He doesn't have to eat me now, he can eat me when he gets home.

JERRY: How about that! He does impressions!

GEORGE: Look, potato chips- $0 .79, tuna hoagies- $3.49, roast duck under glass would be about $22.95 at Red Lobster. Maybe we should call somebody and tell them we saw a talking duck.

JERRY: Right. Did you forget to take your medication today?

GEORGE: As a matter of fact, yes. And I believe the side effects are eczema, seborrhea, the heartbreak of psoriasis, anal leakage, and visions of talking waterfowl.

JERRY: You really should have asked your doctor if it was right for you.

GEORGE: He was busy. That creepy guy Enzyte Bob from down the street had an appointment with him when I called.

JERRY: You men that guy who's smiling all the time?

GEORGE: Yeah. His girl friend has been looking pretty happy lately too.

JERRY: I heard her young baby talking the other day.

GEORGE: Big deal. Babies are starting to talk at younger ages all the time.

JERRY: But he sounded about 35, and he was swearing like a sailor. He must have gone through puberty at about three months.

GEORGE: Is he one of those dwarfs?

JERRY: I think so. I heard his mom's been sleeping with some deranged, plastic headed guy in a king's outfit.

GEORGE: That guy gets around. I saw him in the lobby last night.

JERRY: You should call the police.

GEORGE: I will. (Background music begins. WOO HOO, WOO HOO HOO! WOO HOO, WOO HOO HOO!)

JERRY: What the hell is that?

GEORGE: I don't know. People do stupid things. But I've already got a phone service plan.

(Their server walks over to the booth.) You should try 1-800-COLLECT or 1-800-CALL ATT.

GEORGE: Are you telling me they still have pay phones anywhere?

CARROT TOP: Not many.

GEORGE: Do you make a lot of collect calls? Have you ever accepted one?

CARROT TOP: (Pauses.) May I take your order please?

(We hear the sound of a Mazda pulling up to the restaurant.)

CHILD: Zoom zoom zoom.

GEORGE: What's his problem? Is he one of those special kids?

JERRY: That must be some kind of school uniform. He looks Amish.

GEORGE: Is he another dwarf?

JERRY: No. Look! That plastic headed smiling Burger King was driving him!

(Enzyte Bob enters the dining room.)

GEORGE: Here comes that damn Bob again. What's he always so happy about?

JERRY: I don't know, but his girl friend is smoking a cigarette.

GEORGE: That's not good for you.

JERRY: Yeah, look what it did to her talking baby.

(A bus pulls up to the restaurant. An elderly gentleman steps out.)

GEORGE: That bus must be just getting in from Atlantic City. That old guy just missed the Early Bird special.

(The elderly man begins dancing around the bus.)

JERRY: Aaaargh!! Make him stop!

GEORGE: It must be some kind of seizure. The poor fool probably has a bad prescription plan.

JERRY: He can make a few extra bucks babysitting that talking baby.

GEORGE: Look! That damn smiling, plastic headed Burger King is driving the bus!

(We see a man walking from behind the bus. He is sweaty, and his shoes are worn and beaten up.)

MAN: I missed the bus back from Atlantic City and my feet are smellin', but I'm still gellin'.

GEORGE: What's he talking about?

JERRY: No tellin'. But I'm not buying what he's sellin'.

GEORGE: What?

JERRY: Never mind. He said he left his wife and kids back at the casino, he lost his wallet in Atlantic City, and he thinks he broke his foot on the walk back.

GEORGE: That's terrible.

JERRY: But he just saved a bunch of money on his car insurance.

GEORGE: Then why did he take the bus?

JERRY: He also got bitten by some gecko lizard on his walk back.

GEORGE: Are we about done here?

JERRY: Yes. And all departing contestants will receive a year's supply of Rice-a-Roni, the San Francisco treat, and a twenty volume set of the Encyclopedia Brittanica.

TALKING BABY: What's an encyclopedia?

JERRY: Those are books. In the olden days you researched important information from them. That was our reality.

TALKING BABY: You mean they were pre-Google?

JERRY:(Getting up and leaving.) Never mind. Can you hear me now?

	Bob Holt - Rants A Series of Commercials 10/20/2005 It's been incredibly hot in this part of the country these days. We've seen the kind of humidity which will quickly engulf you in a pool of sweat if you engage in any kind of strenuous outdoor activity, such as breathing. So in our ongoing battle to provide readers with only the best in investigative journalism, we've gathered together the finest modern day research equipment at our disposal. These include coffee, potato chips, numerous roast beef hoagies, air conditioning, and the TV remote, which will help us to find the top news stories of the day. On first look, the television schedule appears to be dominated by reality shows, most of which would force confessions out of members of Guantanamo Bay. And those would be from the guards. The only things on television which are less based in reality than the programming schedule are the commercials. On any given night you might see the lead singer from a 1990s pop group dressed in a cowboy outfit surrounded by women who couldn't make the old Robert Palmer videos. And there's a good chance that some deranged, plastic headed Burger King will be stalking the whole lot of them. I think these commercials would make a better reality show by themselves than the programs currently airing. That type of script might look SOMETHING like this: (The opening scene takes place inside a popular fast-food restaurant which is located near the "subway". Two men named, ohh, George and Jerry, are seated at a booth. A young man with glasses walks into the dining area.) JERRY: Hello, Newman. GEORGE: No, he's the restaurant spokesman. Five years ago he lost 245 pounds just by eating their hoagies every day. JERRY: You can't do that. GEORGE: He still has those big pants to prove it. I think he must have left the high calorie items off the hoagies to do it, like lettuce, tomato, onion, mayo, and meat. JERRY: They helped him lose weight, why can't they help him become less of a dweeb? GEORGE: He'd look better wearing a plastic Burger King head. JERRY: I hear Ronald McDonald is a bodybuilder now. (Suddenly a duck walks into the dining room.) DUCK: AFLAC! JERRY: I didn't know they served duck here. GEORGE: What did he order? JERRY: Who cares? Let's eat it. DUCK: He doesn't have to eat me now, he can eat me when he gets home. JERRY: How about that! He does impressions! GEORGE: Look, potato chips- $0 .79, tuna hoagies- $3.49, roast duck under glass would be about $22.95 at Red Lobster. Maybe we should call somebody and tell them we saw a talking duck. JERRY: Right. Did you forget to take your medication today? GEORGE: As a matter of fact, yes. And I believe the side effects are eczema, seborrhea, the heartbreak of psoriasis, anal leakage, and visions of talking waterfowl. JERRY: You really should have asked your doctor if it was right for you. GEORGE: He was busy. That creepy guy Enzyte Bob from down the street had an appointment with him when I called. JERRY: You men that guy who's smiling all the time? GEORGE: Yeah. His girl friend has been looking pretty happy lately too. JERRY: I heard her young baby talking the other day. GEORGE: Big deal. Babies are starting to talk at younger ages all the time. JERRY: But he sounded about 35, and he was swearing like a sailor. He must have gone through puberty at about three months. GEORGE: Is he one of those dwarfs? JERRY: I think so. I heard his mom's been sleeping with some deranged, plastic headed guy in a king's outfit. GEORGE: That guy gets around. I saw him in the lobby last night. JERRY: You should call the police. GEORGE: I will. (Background music begins. WOO HOO, WOO HOO HOO! WOO HOO, WOO HOO HOO!) JERRY: What the hell is that? GEORGE: I don't know. People do stupid things. But I've already got a phone service plan. (Their server walks over to the booth.) You should try 1-800-COLLECT or 1-800-CALL ATT. GEORGE: Are you telling me they still have pay phones anywhere? CARROT TOP: Not many. GEORGE: Do you make a lot of collect calls? Have you ever accepted one? CARROT TOP: (Pauses.) May I take your order please? (We hear the sound of a Mazda pulling up to the restaurant.) CHILD: Zoom zoom zoom. GEORGE: What's his problem? Is he one of those special kids? JERRY: That must be some kind of school uniform. He looks Amish. GEORGE: Is he another dwarf? JERRY: No. Look! That plastic headed smiling Burger King was driving him! (Enzyte Bob enters the dining room.) GEORGE: Here comes that damn Bob again. What's he always so happy about? JERRY: I don't know, but his girl friend is smoking a cigarette. GEORGE: That's not good for you. JERRY: Yeah, look what it did to her talking baby. (A bus pulls up to the restaurant. An elderly gentleman steps out.) GEORGE: That bus must be just getting in from Atlantic City. That old guy just missed the Early Bird special. (The elderly man begins dancing around the bus.) JERRY: Aaaargh!! Make him stop! GEORGE: It must be some kind of seizure. The poor fool probably has a bad prescription plan. JERRY: He can make a few extra bucks babysitting that talking baby. GEORGE: Look! That damn smiling, plastic headed Burger King is driving the bus! (We see a man walking from behind the bus. He is sweaty, and his shoes are worn and beaten up.) MAN: I missed the bus back from Atlantic City and my feet are smellin', but I'm still gellin'. GEORGE: What's he talking about? JERRY: No tellin'. But I'm not buying what he's sellin'. GEORGE: What? JERRY: Never mind. He said he left his wife and kids back at the casino, he lost his wallet in Atlantic City, and he thinks he broke his foot on the walk back. GEORGE: That's terrible. JERRY: But he just saved a bunch of money on his car insurance. GEORGE: Then why did he take the bus? JERRY: He also got bitten by some gecko lizard on his walk back. GEORGE: Are we about done here? JERRY: Yes. And all departing contestants will receive a year's supply of Rice-a-Roni, the San Francisco treat, and a twenty volume set of the Encyclopedia Brittanica. TALKING BABY: What's an encyclopedia? JERRY: Those are books. In the olden days you researched important information from them. That was our reality. TALKING BABY: You mean they were pre-Google? JERRY:(Getting up and leaving.) Never mind. Can you hear me now?

	© 2005 Bob Holt - All rights reserved.