Made to Be Broken

I normally don’t make New Year’s resolutions. That’s because every action you take in trying to keep one results in a definite reaction, most often not the one you were expecting. Please allow me to elaborate. For starters, this year I wanted to:

Action: Watch that Jersey Shore program just one time to see what all the fuss is about.

Reaction: I will continue to skip it, and remind angry viewers that television is still never to be confused with real life at any time. And I will continue to be judgmental about things I don’t know and make fun of the program repeatedly in 2010. Sure the show blows, but they’re talking about the JERSEY shore as opposed to Laguna Beach, so that can’t be all bad, can it? At least they’re talking about New Jersey.

Action: Buy that brand new Lamborghini I’ve been dreaming about for so long.

Reaction: Use the new health care plan to buy better sleeping medication so I can keep my dream budget at around $30,000 annually.

Action: Have that child I’ve always wanted before I get even older, if that’s possible.

Reaction: Consider beginning to date again, so I might find a woman who can tolerate my idiosyncrasies and maybe date me more than once before hating my guts, then perhaps begin the foundation of an actual relationship first.

Delayed Reaction: There’s always adoption.

Action: Get up earlier in the morning, become more organized, and formulate a schedule which can maximize potential successes to create a better future.

Reaction: Sleep on it, then consider buying extra Megamillions lottery tickets instead.

Action: Get behind our new New Jersey governor and show him support, because maybe he’ll clean up corruption in government like he used to in his old job.

Reaction: Don’t get too far behind him because that bulk blocks out the sun.

Delayed Reaction: Man up like the guy says and just call him fat.

Lingering Reaction: I’m not manning up because I’m not ready for that kind of adult responsibility.

Action: For about the 42nd consecutive year, try to cut down on my coffee consumption.

Reaction: Buy even more Megamillions tickets because the chances of success are better there.

Action: Remember not to take my responsibilities as secretary/treasurer of my Sunday night bowling league at Brunswick Lanes in Deptford too seriously.

Reaction: Leave diamond-studded robe at home about every other week, consider getting my money back for platinum sceptre, and dissolving my Swiss bank account.

Lingering Reaction: Get my average back above 110 again.

Action: Only go to Atlantic City or Philadelphia shows or concerts if they are within that aforementioned dream budget.

Reaction: Lock myself in the house first if I plan on keeping that one. That won’t work either because I’ll just order them online.

Lingering Reaction: Continue to support independent shows in South Jersey with artists like Jim Six, Dom, Kris Noyes, and the Essentials. They’re worth the time.

Action: Resolve never to write another New Year’s resolution column again.

Reaction: What difference will it make? I will just write something equally stupid in its place.

Anyway, all of us are hoping for a better year/decade even if our resolutions will be broken within a week. To paraphrase the immortal George Costanza, They’re not lies if YOU believe them.