Christmas Traditions for the Rest of Us

I never ask for much for Christmas. Just Salma Hayek and $3 million in small, unmarked bills. Is that really being unreasonable?

But in this different day and age, it’s nice to know that many solemn Christmas traditions still remain. Let’s remember a few of them, shall we?

We wish peace on earth and good will toward men. At least until we’ve had our morning coffee and gained enough strength to face holiday traffic.

As always, we have the airing of the grievances and the feats of strength.

Watching chestnuts roasting on the open fire of my car’s engine with the new friends I meet while stuck in traffic on Route 45.

A new tradition: Putting out Jimmy Buffett Tiki Bar Christmas ornaments just makes December feel warmer.

Heritages egg nog is still available. Enough said.

Getting cut off in traffic on Route 45 even though roads are icy and black ice is dangerous. Unfortunately, stupidity is not a seasonal sport.

Listening to Jay Thomas tell the Lone Ranger story on Letterman.

Going to the gym for three straight days before Christmas Eve to attempt to make up for the three days of eating which will follow. It never does.

Buying Megamillions lottery tickets because the jackpot always seems to be over $100 million around Christmas. Surely this is a coincidence?

Watching local media conduct food and clothing drives for the needy during December. Apparently the needy will be warm and stuffed sufficiently for eleven months now.

Watching Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer. Truly must see TV. “Eat, Papa, eat! Nobody likes a skinny Santa Claus! Truer words were never spoken.

Being elbowed in the head if you stop to look at a display for five seconds at Deptford Mall.

Listening to Darlene Love sing “Christmas Baby, Please Come Home” on Letterman.

Another new tradition: Getting a prime parking spot at Best Buy; then auctioning it off to the highest bidder before leaving.

Visiting my friend Shawn’s house and watching his daughters’ eyes light up with wonder as they enjoy the holiday and open Christmas presents.

Visiting my friend Jeff’s house and watching his dog Tobey’s eyes light up with wonder as he enjoys the holiday and makes his annual attempt to rip my esophagus out.

Watching them try to find three wise men in Trenton. Didn’t happen again this year.

Being grateful for health and happiness, and thankful for the chosen few who have the tolerance to accept me as friend.

And my favorite tradition of all: Wishing the six people reading this a very Merry Christmas.