The War on Santa Continues

The holiday season in South Jersey is like nowhere else. The Salvation Army bell ringers are dodging traffic at the Deptford Shop-Rite, and there is a coffee shop open in Wenonah once again, the East Avenue Coffee House.

There is a Santa Claus, and thankfully he has the jitters. But as is customary in the ongoing War on Christmas, the news is not all good for Santa Claus.

Now we’re being told that Santa Claus is setting a bad example. A public health expert says Santa promotes obesity, speeding, and drunk driving. The study published in the British Medical Journal says Santa should trade in the cookies and milk for reindeer chow like celery and carrot sticks.

He doesn’t want to give up the egg nog. Especially the Heritages egg nog, which again this year happens to be the only brand in the South Jersey area worth drinking. He just can’t spike it. Besides, nowhere in recorded history has anyone ever been found “rocking around a Christmas tree.” Unless it was induced by alcohol.

As far as eating too many sweets, Santa already has a dentist on staff. And I didn’t realize that radar detectors were effective on someone’s roof. But actually, the Politically Correct Police can’t expect a national icon to be a role model.

Admittedly, if they want to pick on Santa Claus, they can start with the fact that he only works one day a year and appears to have a drinking problem due to his red nose. Also, staying out all night Christmas Eve may lead to rumors of infidelity.

Yes, things are getting tough at the North Pole. Have you seen Santa Claus’ Twitter page recently? Yes, Santa Claus twitters. He wrote, “Global warming is really a killer this year. Rudolph just got caught on the polar ice cap when it melted, and is now floating on an iceberg toward the Arctic Circle.”

Meanwhile, for those last-minute gift buyers, www.despair.com is offering a shirt showing a picture of Santa’s Toy Factory. It features signs reading “Foreclosure” and “Business for Sale”, with “Hot Buy! Original Owner!” posted on the sleigh. Also included in this deal is a signed letter from Santa, which is actually a letter of extortion.

Times are tough all over. It isn’t exactly the Christmas spirit we’re looking for, but it’s pretty funny.

At least Santa hasn’t gone totally corporate. I never could understand how a razor manufacturer benefits from having Santa Claus as its spokesman. That beard doesn’t exactly endorse the product’s effectiveness.

Hey, at least Santa keeps the bar low for American males. Would we really want to see him slim, trim, buff, cut, chiseled, and jacked? I think not.

The next thing you’ll hear is that Santa plowed his sleigh into the workshop during a test run last month and Mrs. Claus came after him with a six-foot three iron candy cane.

We can only hope. Merry Christmas.