Birth of a Nation: Live on ESPN

This year on the Fourth of July some people are eating hot dogs in Coney Island, while others are renting a copy of the video, "Independence Day."

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With all of the political infighting going on in the country these days, it seems like many people have their own ideas of what it means to be an independent nation. Again this year the Fourth of July will find people celebrating in their own different ways.

On Coney Island in New York, a Fourth of July hot dog eating contest has been held at Nathan's hot dog stand for nearly one hundred years, according to legend. It has been attended by international contestants and receives live coverage on ESPN, proving conclusively that ESPN has officially run out of sports.

In other Independence Day affairs which had to be designed exclusively by guys, July is American beer month and National baked beans month, two ideas which being held the same month make the greenhouse gas emission problem appear trivial.

Also, on the past few Independence Days President Bush would remind us that the US is continuing to make progress in the war on terror, citing that no space alien attacks have occurred since 1996.

Anyway, being the patriotic American that I am, on this Fourth of July I feel it is my patriotic duty to do my small part to restore the patriotic work ethic and patriotic values to this once great country. Or else the space aliens will have won.

What I mean is, I want to remember what it must have felt like to first receive our independence. Actual field research would have involved too much work, but fortunately I was able to acquire archival footage from 1776 from Dan Rather and the 60 Minutes crew.

George Washington was originally the father of our country, mainly through the use of Cialis. Some mistaken reports today have concluded that the father had been Kevin Federline.

According to stories from early tabloid newspaper the Colonial Enquirer, George Washington's first wife was actually responsible for sewing the American flag, not Betsy Ross. After her later remarriage, she became better known as Martha Washington Stewart. She also catered the celebration for signing the Declaration of Independence at the Market Street K-Mart in Philadelphia.

The Declaration of Independence was signed back in 1776 in Philadelphia, around the time Philly won its last major sports championship. The Declaration was approved by the Second Continental Congress and written by Thomas Jefferson, on Microsoft LXXVI's Word Perfect Version 1.0.

The Declaration was signed by 56 members of the Washington Administration, including Jefferson, John Adams, Samuel Adams, who supplied beer for the celebration, and Benjamin Franklin, who arrived late from Sea Isle City after encountering shore traffic on the Garden State Parkway.

In March 1775, Patrick Henry gave his famous speech at a Virginia constitutional convention, declaring "give me liberty or give me death." He was preparing the colonists for the Revolutionary War, after discovering muskets of mass destruction in England.

In April 1775, the Revolutionary War began. Paul Revere rode to Lexington and announced that the redcoats were coming. He later went on to form a rock band with the Raiders, win the first-ever Colonial Idol, and headline Live VIII in 1776 in Philadelphia along with King George Michael, Queen, and Thomas Jefferson Airplane.

Benedict Arnold became a major force for both sides in the War, finally leaving his wife Roseanne and defecting to the British camp in 1780. His aides were later charged with war crimes back in the US. But fortunately for Arnold, Los Angeles was founded in 1781, so he had their trial delayed and moved to LA, where they were eventually acquitted of all charges.

Then in January 1776, Thomas Paine wrote his famous pamphlet entitled "Common Sense", which declared the American case for independence. There is little evidence of this title still being in circulation today. The pamphlet is hard to find too.

And as we celebrate Independence Day today, we should keep in mind all of the important events which have occurred on the Fourth of July. The aforementioned John Adams and Thomas Jefferson both died on July 4, 1826, while Ann Landers was born on July 4, 1918. Meanwhile, as evidence that tyrannical rule and oppression still exists in parts of the country, George Steinbrenner was born on July 4, 1930.

Today on the Fourth of July bands still play our favorite patriotic songs like The Star Spangled Banner. Its meaning sums up our feelings for the day:

Through the bugs and the heat

Drunken in-laws still fight

Thirty parades we watched

Till the children were screaming.

And your father's mean stare

His burgers bursting in the air

Gave proof through the night

We'll call Taco Bell next year.

It's that kind of patriotic sentiment which help us to remember what it means to be free, even in today's changing times. Our freedoms are summed up well in the Declaration of Independence, which reads:

"We hold these truths to be self-evident that all men are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable rights, that among these are Life, Liberty, and the Pursuit of Happiness."

Of course in 2009, a recent addition was: And the Pursuit of ONE DAY without a Mark Sanford update.